The book I really want to read is one about an old woman who discovers exactly what she wants out of life. I want to read this because I often ponder what I can get out of life, and what I will think of my youth once I have grown old and gotten past the issues that consume my life now. I try to step out of my body and adopt the gaze of a version of myself that has seen more, done more, and felt more. This often grounds me, and makes me remember it’s okay to reschedule a test, it’s okay to have a bowl of ice cream, and it’s okay to prioritize time spent with people who make you happy. My older self does not dole out judgment, and is quick to remind me that I am young - that I am 16 years old. She tells me to swim, to dance, and to laugh. She tells me to run in the fields regardless of the insects and the mud, to bike with my friends and wear my sunscreen, and write my soul out onto every page of my journals because she reads my writing all the time.
I would love to read about a woman like this, who sees clarity in the world around her, and acknowledges its flaws without obsessing about why they can’t be fixed. I would love to write this story as well. Sometimes the image and character of my older self become vague, and I project my own self-criticism through her. At these times, she reminds me that my parents care about what college they went to and that indeed, they did not forget where they went to undergrad though they try to tell me I will. She tries to drill into my head that I’m going to look back at my high school years and cringe at my oily hair. I try not to listen when she gets like that. She also tells me, however, that the most important thing I need to do right now is to accept my flaws and focus only on the present moment. I am torn between her advice and her realistic criticism, and I want a literary character in her image to give me a real idea of what this woman could be like. As I imagine this wise, magnanimous woman, I realize I am actively advancing myself on the track to becoming her. By spending time thinking about how wonderful she must be, I drive myself to become more like her and make decisions that will lead me to live her life.
I want a concrete idea of her, one with description, action, and dialogue. I want to bring her into existence through myself because the world needs more of the free and open energy of older souls who embrace their life and their breath like a treasure.
This woman would wake up naturally, on her own internal clock, to read a book in bed, then close the pages around an origami heart bookmark, and step securely onto the floor before reaching to her record player to play Billy Joel’s album The Stranger. Afterward, she would carry herself with pride to the bathroom where she would turn on the cold water and take a frigid twenty second shower to start the day fresh. She would wrap herself in a luscious purple towel, and then wash her face, brush her hair, brush her teeth, and floss. She would put on a copious amount of sunscreen. Next, she would approach her wardrobe, and step into the clothes she picked out and laid out on a shelf the night before. She would pick out her earrings, her necklace, and her rings, and choose a crystal to carry in her pocket for the day. She would take out her journal and her favorite pen and write about anything that came to mind, often a stream of consciousness writing. She would then eat a colorful breakfast and drink a glass of water, and check her beautifully annotated planner to determine the structure of her day. She would pick out her shoes, then go out to take a walk to the beach, which was about a mile down the road. She would stop occasionally to look for four leaf clovers or watch birds hop about a patch of grass looking for more worms. Once at the beach, she would meditate, and practice the art of feeling indifferent to what other people might think. The rest of her day would be spent contentedly and thoughtfully, and even on bad days, her morning routine would keep her feeling not only alive, but also capable. At the same time, she is not perfect, and skips this extensive routine occasionally, but keeps a regular pattern of healthy mornings.
This older woman knows that she has lived more than half her time on earth already, and that her remaining time is fleeting, but also that her remaining time is a gift and that every day is another opportunity given to her. She often can not tell the difference between weekdays and weekends, though she works from home as an online therapist. She never overschedules herself, and she only takes on what makes her excited to wake up in the morning. She finds fulfillment in her day to day life, and she remarks often during her walks about how she no longer feels the days going by quickly. She feels that the days go by at exactly the pace she wants to experience them, and that by training her mind to stay grounded in the present, she did not lose as much time as she used to. She admires the younger generations and their efforts to better the world, and she often volunteers to help organizations that offer service opportunities to help the community. She visits every ice cream shop, restaurant, and small business in town frequently because she loves when people know her name, and she loves knowing the names of the people around her. She practices yoga, she sings, and she grows her own tomatoes. When she puts the sprinklers on in the summer, she goes out to her backyard in her bathing suit to walk through the spouts of water and experience the shower of energy and youth that overcomes her.
I want her to be real. I want to know that a story about her would be feasible, that her life could be something I could achieve. I want to have that older woman as a symbol of motivation and triumph over the hurdles and hurt of young life, and I want to feel her presence empower me through the pages of a book. This older woman deserves her recognition, because she deserves far more than to fade into a quiet death, forgotten and discarded. This woman, like most people, has an extensive collection of issues and challenges from her life, and she has gone through sickness, heartbreak, and trauma. She found her way to survive through all of this strife. She regained faith in the human condition and how it is worthwhile. She deserves the ability to help inspire others like me to find more beauty in their lives, and most importantly spark excitement about growing old instead of the usual dread of losing youth.
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